Brick by Brick

This probably won't make much sense, but lately I have had the overwhelming feeling of feeling nothing. Which I guess is a contradiction, so maybe I should say the "experience" of feeling nothing.

Nothing at all.

When I was younger I had several very dark battles against depression. A wave of depression, an unexplainable darkness, would decend over my life like rain clouds do on a stormy day. Not for any particular reason. Just some type of chemical reaction the doctor said, not triggered by any specific event.

And just like that everything would change. All the things that worried me before the depression arrived disappeared the instant those dark clouds arrived.

What do they think of me? What should I wear on friday night? Does she like me? What should I do when I graduate? How much money will I make? Does he know what I said about him?

None of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was making it through the day. Because the feeling that came over me during those times was so heavy that it was impossible to look past it. It was very present, very dark, and very unforgiving.

But it was real. Very, very real. The tears I cried were real. The pain I felt was real. I could not hide from it.

I hope this doesnt sound twisted, but sometimes I find myself missing those days. Those dark days when the only thing I could do was feel. Those day were painful, but so honest. So real.

I would never wish that type of stuggle and pain on anyone, but now I find that I can very easily hind away my frustration and pains. And instead of feeling them and breaking down, I just let them bounce off my shoulder and continue on my merry way. And instead of being honest with my heart I convince it that everything is fine.

How could I come so far from that? I always told myself after those episodes ended that I would always allow my heart to feel what it was experiencing, good or bad, pain of happiness. But it seems that some how, over time, I have let go of that.

I cant remember the last time I broke down.

I have been asking God to break down the walls I have built around my heart. To let me feel again. Sometimes I wish God drove a bulldozer and would just knock down the walls with one great hit. But thats not usually how God works. I have a feeling that I am going to have to disassemble the walls I built, brick by brick. And with each brick I take off there will be that much less between what my heart experiences and what my heart feels.

Whether that be dark clouds or sunny skys, I am not so much concerned.

Its Been Awhile

Lately for some reason, I have felt as if I have lost my imagination. As if I can only think about moment to moment tasks and go through the motions of existing.

I dont know the exact reason, but I think it has alot to do with who I am being stetched to the limits: My patience. My frustration. My endurance. My relationship with God.

Its hard to let your mind go when you are using all you have to make it through the day or moment. Its as if I have nothing left in me to give to my imagination right now. I feel tapped out in a way.

This has been sitting very heavy with me for a few days. But now that I sit and write it down and think about it a bit, I realize its not such a terrible thing. Sometimes life requires us to use all we have to get through the day or situation or moment. And thats ok.

My entire life I have had this feeling that if I wasnt "producing" something I was wasting my time. Producing thoughts, ideas, relationships, income, and so on and so on. But I see now that though this way of thought can be a very useful tool it also can be very damaging.

It has an agenda. Instead of walking into a situation openly this way of thought is saying, "What can I get come this? What can I take away from it? There's something to gain here, something to learn, what is it?" And I do believe that every situation and moment in my life holds some sort of wisdom, small or big, that I can take from it. But when I enter a situation looking for this wisdom, sometimes I walk right past it and just find what I think I should learn instead of what I need to learn. I look past the situation at how I can use what I learn in the future instead of just living in it.

And I see now that maybe knowing I can make it through situations that stretch me to my limits is a wisdom in itself. Knowing I can endure. I have to tell myself over and over that its okay to have times when I am just existing. When I am just making it through the day. That is what makes me human.

And thats okay.