Midnight Self

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was thinking. I was excited.

I would lay there in bed for about 20 minutes and then get up and walk around while my little head tried to work through the mass of ideas and thoughts that kept on circulating. Then I would lay back down and in a minutes I would be up again walking and thinking. I was to excited to sleep. These thoughts were urgent and they were important.

My entire life I have had nights like these. Nights where the passion and excitement in my mind will not allow my body to sleep. It's almost the same feeling a child has the day before going to Disneyland or on Christmas Eve.

I could be wrong, but I don't feel like I'm alone on this.

Everyone has these nights that give birth to revelations. The best example I can think of is in the movie "Jerry Maguire". In the middle of the night Tom Cruise has a revelation and writes a massive memo and distributes it to all his co-workers at a sports management agency the next day. But that night he wrote, he couldn't sleep. The idea was too important, too urgent. If he slept it would be lost. But after he actualllly gives out the memo, he almost immediately tries to get it back. He wasn't sure about the relevance of its content. He loses his confidence in his idea. Not because he doesn't believe in the idea or concept, but more because he is not sure how others will react to it.

I find that I am very similar to this character. My midnight self is bold, passionate, and confident. My midnight self can literally do everything he thinks up and will do anything in order to see his dreams and passions materialize. You can't talk my midnight self out of much.

But then I eventually go to sleep, and wake up my regular daytime self. And the ideas and revelations I conceived the night before seem so far away and so irrational and unattainable. My daytime self wants to be bold but is too worried about what people think about him. He's worried about his bank account balance. He's worried about all the things the world says he should be worried about. There's no time for revelations with all this going on.

I believe that it would literally change the world if we could somehow make our midnight self and our daytime self one. If we could let our worries and guards down and amplify our passions and revelations... It would be amazing to one night lay in bed not being able to sleep, thinking about an idea and then the next day do everything possible to execute that idea. No matter what the risk: personal, financial, status, and whatever else would fit on that list.

I think we can slowly do this everyday. And for some people it might not be a nightime thing. It might be that when you write your ideas they are so beautiful and real but when you put down the pen, those same ideas seem unattainable. Or maybe when you talk to certain people it evokes a real, urgent passion to do something. But soon after the conversation that passion and urgency fade away and you are back to your regular self worried about regular things that the world has inflicted on you.

I am beginning to believe that our midnight selves are a much more realistic representation of what life should be. The midnight self says, "Get out of my way", "I don't care what you think", "I can and I am going to do this". "It doesnit matter what speed bumps or obstacles come up, this is too important to let go of."

This is such a beautiful idea of how life should be. It leaves us with a blank canvas and no fear or hesitation to pick up the brush and just paint.

Angkor...Almost

Though there are several ways to see the Angkor Temples - the famous temples in northern Cambodia - I decided that I would rent a bike and take a tour by myself. I woke up at 7:30am, and made my way over to the bike rental place. For a grand $1.50, I was able to rent what seemed like a decent bike for the day.

It was quite easy to navigate my way through Siem Reap, the city near Angkor, and make my way to the front gates of Angkor in about 1 hour. The men at the front stand said I needed to buy a ticket and pointed me in the direction I needed to go. As I was enjoying the scenery around the road, I began to hear a funny noise coming from my bike. Before I could even stop to look at it, a loud noise came from my tire and completely deflated. I quickly came to a stop and began to examine my new problem. I couldn't see anything seriously wrong with the tire so I figured it was just a hole in my inner tube.

I was about half way between the ticket office and the front gate and decided that I would make my way to the ticket office and see if there was someone who could help. After about 30 minutes I arrived at the ticket office and the very kind man told me to continue down the road for about 10 minutes and there would be a bike stand. I arrived at the bike stand and the man began to look at it. He immediately showed me a massive split in the tire and with his hands explained that he would have to go into town to buy a new one. So I sat there drinking my water and laughed to myself at the situation. The man eventually made it back after about 20 minutes and very quickly put the new tire and tube on. I payed him $10 dollars and with a smile said goodbye and made my way back to the ticket office.

Its really not that big of a deal, right? Even so, I realized today that my patience has developed immensely since I have left the US. If this situation would have happened a year ago, I would have been on the verge of melting down. Though I wasn't exactly happy about the whole thing, without thinking about it I calmly figured out what to do and within an hour was able to get everything solved.

An hour.

How many times has an hour meant life or death to me? - "I can't stay on this bus one more hour or I am going to go crazy", "If I stay on this plane for another hour I am going to freak out", "Do you seriously expect me to sit through this lecture for an entire hour?"

But really an hour is only an hour. A small hiccup in our lives. I don't think that I have ever realized how insignificant an hour is and even had the patience to understand this until now. I usually go through a day without having to wait for anything and everything happens in the timing I want it to. It's so easy for us to do that. But sometimes situations throw curve balls at us, maybe just to see how we handle it.

For me, it takes a flat tire and an hour to really understand a small change this whole trip has had on me. I am grateful for this and I hope that it continues to work on the other flawed areas of who I am.

The Lepor's hand

I have been having a very difficult time trying to explain my current state of mind concerning my faith in God. For some reason, until yesterday words seems to do no justice to how I have been feeling.

But yesterday I remembered watching a movie in Mongolia after a nice day's work of laying bricks called The Kingdom Of Heaven. The movie was alright. It kinda dragged on a bit but was entertaining. I don't remember the exact scene or even the story line for that matter but I do remember a scene when the mother of the soon-to-be King (then a child) realized that he had leprosy and in that moment she realized that because of this he could not reign as King.

That scene paints a very real picture of the way I have been experiencing my faith for nearly 6 months:

The mother can see the hand and feel the hand, it exists and is very real. There is no way to deny that. But when she touches the hand with a hot needle, the boy cannot feel a thing. He does not move or flinch.

In the same way that the mother can see and feel the hand, I know my faith is real and that the God I worship exists. There is no way to deny that. But as of recent, I feel much more like the boy. With his eyes he can see his hand and with an outside object he can touch it, but inside him at the tips of his fingers, he does not feel a thing. Much similarly, in the bottom of my heart I do not feel my faith. When the hot needle of my faith touches the fingers of my heart, I do not move and I do not flinch.

This is a very foreign thing to me and I know that these things pass, only making one's faith stronger and more real. Its just so odd to be surrounded by the least of the least day in and day out, the true face of God, but still not feel a sense of God in my heart.

As I have written before, a distance in feeling does not always mean a distance in faith and I believe that God is walking next to me and carrying me when I am weak.

I only write this now because I feel it is important to express how we feel with honesty and it wasn't until yesterday that this was possible.

Thank you to all for your amazing support!

Moments

In 10 months, there has been a handfull of times, or moments as I like to call them when I am instantly and overwhelmingly reminded that I am living my dream. That being here is exactly where I am suppose to be and everything becomes peaceful in that moment.

Yesterday I experienced another of these moments.

As I sat on the top of a "junk boat" with the wind blowing in my face and the sun setting in the distance, I watched the seemingly endless and beautiiful islands that make up Ha Long Bay in northern Vietnam slowly glide by. And very softly I thought to myself:

This is my dream.

This country. This boat. These people. This is why I didnt go out to dinner twice that week. This is why I didnt by those jeans.

To be here. To do this.

We are rarely given the opportunity to actually do what our crazy minds think up.

I thank God for this.

Breakfast With God

The week before I left Beijing, I had been craving eggs $ bacon. It wasn't a strong "go out of my way to find it" craving but it was definitely on my mind. That said...

For the last few months I have been wrestling with God over some things I disagree with and can't get my mind around. I feel like a child who is throwing a temper tantrum because his Dad said something he didn't like. I believe we go through times when its hard to digest all that is God and when it becomes too much we shut down. We turn off. This is probably the worst thing we can do but we all do it. Its easier to stop thinking sometimes than to think things through. But it's the struggles that we work through that make us who we are.

When we are not struggling we are not thinking and when we are not thinking, we are not living.

I knew this but somehow forgot it until last Sunday.

The Sunday before I left Beijing, a couple friends of mine wanted to go get coffee and invited me. We went to a place I had never been. I didn't think much of it until the menu came. Guess what was on it - Eggs & Bacon. It was like God said with a small voice "Here you go Mike. Its nothing special but I wanted you to know I was thinking about you. Hang in there."

Thanks for breakfast.

Sarah Jane

Names On Walls

This morning, I wrote the names of 3 children who have recently passed away on the wall of our home. I wasn't really close to these particular children and didnt even spend time with 2 of them. Either way, its a very odd and awkward thing to do.

Names on a wall. These children have become names on a wall.

I have had an overwhelming feeling the last 2 months that what I was doing wasn't really making a huge difference in anything. Sure, I spend time with the kids and we have fun. Sometimes I even teach them a thing or two. But, I was beginning to feel that when I left it wouldn't make a difference to the kids and that I would leave no lasting impression through my work here in China. And, to an extent, that is very true. You can't change the world in 3 months.

But today I realized that the way I have been looking at this whole thing is very selfish. I have been so worried about "my" work and what differences "I" can make that I have so easily forgotten that this is not about "my" work or what "I" can do. Its about them. Yes, when I leave the kids here will forget me and I highly doubt any of them will cry because I never walk into their playroom again. But thats not really important.

I have realized that what is important is that they are loved. That they feel comfortable and safe. That they smile. That they laugh. That they experience happiness and joy.

These things are important.

Not me.

Valleys

Wow. I have been in China for nearly 3 months now. It seems like I just arrived from Mongolia yesterday. My time here has been more than amazing. The friends I have made and the work I have been a part of have definitely been the highlight of my trip so far. I truly cant put into words the significance of what this organization (New Hope Foundation) is doing for these kids.

Now, after 3 months, I can walk into any playroom in our home(there are 3) and I will be tackled by little rugrats before I can shut the door. I no longer need to bribe the kids with candy and chocolate to play with me. If a child catches me walking down the hall they come running at me knowing I will soon administer my signiture "tickle torture" technique on them. The nannies hand over babies to me when they are crying and to my disbelief they actually stop crying when they are in my arms. And yes, I actually changed a diaper(emphasis on "a", but it still counts).

I feel at home in many ways.

But with all of this surrounding me, I feel as though my heart has left a mountain top and entered into a valley in a way. I have had a feeling of defeat for some time now. I cant explain why. I am surrounding by life and imagination here, but cannot capture it. Its as if the passion in my my heart has escaped me and I dont know how to get it back. I read somewhere, and have probably said this before, that "in order to get to the next mountain top, you have to go through a valley." I do believe this and acknowledge the upmost importance of the struggles of life, but that never really makes it much easier does it?

When I was in Peru, I did a 5-day trek that ended with watching the sunrise over the historic ruins of Machu Picchu. 5 days. It wasnt an Everst attempt but it was phyically trying. On the last day, we had the option of treking to the peak of Machu Picchu in the dark or taking a 15 minute bus. Me and my new friend Sergio decided we wouldnt feel right taking the bus and at 4:00am went on our merry way up the mountain. On a scale of 1-5, 1 being relatively easy and 5 being extremely strenuous, I would say the next 2 hours were about a 7. Seriously. I am not exagerating. But if we slowed down we would miss the sunrise and that, in our minds, would be a devistating thing. So we kept going. Sergio was more fit than me so I had to keep stopping to catch my breath but we eventually made it. And, luckily for us, before the sunrise. So we climbed up a couple more rocks and found a good seat to watch the sun come up over the mystical mountains of Peru. As the sun slowly crept up from behind the peaks, we looked at each other and in our eyes you could see that the trek that morning had made the sunrise even more beautiful to us. Sometimes, most the time, the climb is worth the view.

Im not sure how far I am into my climb out of this valley right now. Maybe an hour, maybe 2, maybe 15 minutes. Either way, I know that the sunrise at the top in going to be beauiful and I cant wait to see it.

Just Force It...

Every since I found out that people actually read this thing I have been trying to write more. But...it´s been quite awhile since my last entry.

I wish I could write something profound everyday but truth be told, most days I dont think about many profound things. I tried to force myself to write something the last couple of weeks but it was rubbish. I didnt even want to read it. I think somtimes it is easy to get caught in the mindset that our lives (my live) is a show. That there is an audience watching and waiting to see what happens next. And at some point this mindset can dictate our actions, good or bad, right or wrong. I am trying my hardest to not let this trip, this blog, be a show for an audience. When that happens, instead of writing honest and naked thoughts I write to impress. In this case, I might as well not write at at all...

Pictures

Interruptions

"Oh God, here she comes again" I thought to myself as Mai-te, my 1 1/2 yr. old housemate/Peruvian little sister came running into my room. I had just sat down to rest for a few minutes before I walked to the school I work at. Everyday Mai-te comes running into my room wanting to play exactly when I begin to lay down after lunch.

"Not today, seriously...I just want to lay here"

But, like usually her foot steps get louder and she suddenly appears in my doorway with a smile bigger than the world. She stands in the doorway until I signal for her to come to my bed.

She greets me with a kiss on the cheek.

Thats when I was reminded of something Henry Nouwen said - Most of the things we think are interruptions in our life are actually not interruptions. These things are life.

We are just so busy with the real interruptions of life like a nap or work or reading or shopping that we miss life happening before our eyes. We try to power through everything else, considering anything that gets in our way an interruption.

Today, Mai-te started as an interruption of my nap. But in reality, my nap was the interruption. The interruption of a very simple but important human interaction. My nap was an interruption of life.

Why Read?

The other day, I looked through the books that I have read since I have been here. As I thumbed through them, I realized that I could barely remember the plot or main subject of half the books. I thought that this was rediculous and began to get mad at myself. Why was I reading anyway? For quantity? To be able to say I have read this author or that author? It really frustrated me. Wy dont I spend more time in the street in Peru helping people instead of reading? That seemed to make more sense. as I sat there and thought about this I realized something extremely important:

It doesnt matter how much we read or what we read unless we let the content enter our present lives and become more than just words.

I realized that the importance of what I was reading only came to life when I let the book change me as I read it. Its ok if 2 months from now I cant tell you my favorite chapter or quote for this or that book. What is important is that I apply what I read today to my life and actions today. If I let a book change me right now, my actions will continue to reflect the most important parts of a book 2 months or 2 years from now.

It would be worse to be able to to tell you every important part of a certain book but not have my life reflect the words in it. Whats the point of reading if we dont let the words become real? I can talk about and quote any book in the world but if my actions remain stagnant, that is when reading and learning go in vain.

A New Story

I have been reading a rediculous amount lately. I love the culture here in Peru very relaxing. There is always time to do whatever needs to be done. This week I read a book by Paulo Coehlo called The Zahir. It really spoke to my heart about my current state of mind. In the book, the main character meets a young man that tells him that he needs to forget his "story", or his past in order to become who he is. At the same time, I was reading a book by Brennan Manning that implied the same idea about our relationship with God. What spoke to my heart is this:

We need to stop being who we were in order to become who we are.

Though our past experiences have helped shaped who we are, we cannot let them dictate who we are in this present time. It is dangerous to let our past failures and fears control our actions in the present. We need to forget our story and our past and allow today to be today. We need to allow who we are now to decide how we will act or react to what today presents to us.

Each day here is Peru is a new day with new experiences. But as I have said before, you dont have to be in Peru in order to realize that each day is new and has something important to teach us. If I continued to live as I was, or be who I was, I would not have half the amazing experiences I have had so far. I would not have aloud myself to be in some of the situations I have been in that have proved tp be amazing. Why? Because of my part failures and my past fears and my past pride and my past embarrassment.

Today is today and I am who I am today. Not who I was yesterday and not who I will be tomorrow. If we continue to be who we were or allow ourselves to only think about who we will be in the future, we will continue to miss the importance of today. And what else do we really have than today?

Forgive Me

I have done a terrible job at posting. If anyone actually reads this, please forgive me. I will make a serious effort to write more often.

Huancayo is amazing. Everday is different. I work in the mornings at a school for childen who cannot afford the supplies to go to public school. It is truly humbling. Today, just as I was beginning to become immune to the poverty the children live in, I was humbled yet again. Paola the other professor, and I were measuring the height of the children. One by one I took off their shoes only to see that most children were wearing no socks, socks with holes, or shoes that were to big or to small for them. I could not help but to think that the majority of the world lives in these conditions. It is truly heartbreaking.

In all honestly, some days I feel like I am doing nothing; Like I am not making any difference. It is frsutrating, but I realize that on these days I need to listen to my heart(something that I have grown accustom to not doing) and realize that I am here for a reason bigger than my own feelings. Each day holds a "magic moment" when I have a chance to make a difference for somebody or something. Whether it small or big, I cannot let these moments pass me by.

Thank you to everyone who is helping raise money for the school. You truly are blessing to these children. You dont have to fly across the world to make a difference. Thank you again.

More Than Me

I have made it to Lima safe and sound. It is quite beautiful here. The coast is lined with cliffs and after getting lost yesterday, I stubbled upon the sun setting over the Pacific Ocean. God´s world is truly amazing.

Before I got on the plane 2 days ago, I started to get worried about being alone. I hadnt felt this feeling in quite awhile. But now that I am here(granted I have only been here 2 days) I have a peace about the matter and I have faith that God is here with me. I think that there is a beauty in solitude and lonliness that drives us to be completely honest with ourselves. I am excited to see what God has in store for me.

One of my best friends wrote me a letter before I left and told me to read it on the plane. He said the most honest and encouraging sentence: Though I may have the time of my life or experience complete lonliness, this trip is not about me. He hit the nail on the head. This trip is about service, it is about helping, and most of all it is about love. I did not come here to love myself more, but to love serve the people around me. It will be vital that I remember this throughout the next year.

Thank you and Farewell

I want to thank everyone who has been any part of this trip becoming a reality. Only recently have I realized that it is truly possible to make your dreams come true. I believe now more than ever that there is more to life than living for ourselves and we can all make a difference in this world. Thank you to my family who have shown me endless support and love: This trip would not be possible without your encouragement. Thank you to all of my friends (there are to many of you to list) for your encouragement and for always cheering for my crazy ideas. Thank you for the constant lessons in generosity, honesty, friendship and love. I dedicate this trip to you.

I could write forever about why I am taking this trip, but it most likely wouldnt make sense and would go on forever. One of my good friends, Winston Churchill, says it best: "We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give."

I have lived 24 years spending most of my days trying to figure out what I want next and how I am going to get it. I am tired of living that way. I am tired of living for myself. I am slowly learning that the most important and rewarding things we do in live have nothing to do with us. And with honestly and humility, I find myself at 24 embarrassed of the selfish life I have lived. The world around me deserves more.

I will be putting an outline of my trip with places and dates soon. I leave for Peru Tuesday, March 13. I will try to update this as much as possible with posts, recently books I have read, and music that I ahve been listing to. Please feel free to email me any time and I will try to respond as soon as possible.

Thank you again to everyone for all your help and encouragement.

Mike

table4glass@hotmail.com