Back In Black

When I was younger I was in a metal band called Falling Cycle. Now when people ask me about it I always say "crazy" metal band for some reason.

As we grew and grew and wrote more music one song always remained the crowd pleaser and set closer. It was called Heart Turns Black. The lyrics went like this:

I watched your heart turn black
and the pieces of your life are on the ground
Your withered sun
will not come up tomorrow
The beauty of your life is cracking
and every word you say is another spike in his hand
You will never know how much you mean to Him

I wrote those lyrics when I was 19, I think. And if I am honest I have no idea who or what they were about. I probably just wrote them because they sounded cool at the time and then attached a meaning to them so they were no longer empty words.

Now, at 25, I find that those words mean much more than what they did when I wrote them. Its as if they were meant to be a letter post-dated and sent to me now.

I cant feel anything. Its as if my heart has literally turned black. Its not that I dont want to feel, I just cant. Im not miserable but I would rather be miserable and feel it than completely desensitized. Babies die and I cant mourn the loss. I cant even work up a tear in my eye. Its makes me "feel" as if I am just a body without a heart that continues to function. And I am just sitting by watching it, wishing I could pick up the pieces.

The lyrics say, "The beauty of your life is cracking."

A much smarter Ernest Hemingway said, "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at the broken places."

I assume/hope that is what God is doing right now. Breaking me. And really I asked for it. I need it. Its just hard to sit back, seemingly complacent, with a "black heart" waiting and praying for something to change.

If I have learned anything on this journey it is that God is faithful and uses every situation for something. It would be be igonrant for me to believe anything other than that now.