Its Been Awhile

Lately for some reason, I have felt as if I have lost my imagination. As if I can only think about moment to moment tasks and go through the motions of existing.

I dont know the exact reason, but I think it has alot to do with who I am being stetched to the limits: My patience. My frustration. My endurance. My relationship with God.

Its hard to let your mind go when you are using all you have to make it through the day or moment. Its as if I have nothing left in me to give to my imagination right now. I feel tapped out in a way.

This has been sitting very heavy with me for a few days. But now that I sit and write it down and think about it a bit, I realize its not such a terrible thing. Sometimes life requires us to use all we have to get through the day or situation or moment. And thats ok.

My entire life I have had this feeling that if I wasnt "producing" something I was wasting my time. Producing thoughts, ideas, relationships, income, and so on and so on. But I see now that though this way of thought can be a very useful tool it also can be very damaging.

It has an agenda. Instead of walking into a situation openly this way of thought is saying, "What can I get come this? What can I take away from it? There's something to gain here, something to learn, what is it?" And I do believe that every situation and moment in my life holds some sort of wisdom, small or big, that I can take from it. But when I enter a situation looking for this wisdom, sometimes I walk right past it and just find what I think I should learn instead of what I need to learn. I look past the situation at how I can use what I learn in the future instead of just living in it.

And I see now that maybe knowing I can make it through situations that stretch me to my limits is a wisdom in itself. Knowing I can endure. I have to tell myself over and over that its okay to have times when I am just existing. When I am just making it through the day. That is what makes me human.

And thats okay.