Holding On

There are certain times in life that the only way to get through a situation is to just let go. To let go of what you thought it would be, what you want to get out of it, and how it affects your daily life.

I have been here in India working at this children's home for about 3 weeks and I have been clinging not only to the many preconceptions of what I hoped it would be, but also to basic things like personal space and free/alone time. I have been desperately holding on to these ideas and this in turn has made dealing with my troubles of being here that much more difficult.

It wasnt until I let go of all of this that I began to really be at peace with being here. Not until I gave up my constant and very strong desire for personal space and alone time was I able to address each situation more calmly and less frustrated, making me more at peace with being here and more loving toward the people who are constantly surrounding me.

I think we all tend to do this. We hold on so tight to what we want out of a situation that when it doesn't deliver these requests we find ourselves frustrated and short-tempered.

At work, at home, with family, with friends. We begin to be filled with resentment and unerlying anger toward each situation and the people involved. This leads to comlpete counter-productivity and is very dangerous for our hearts. But if we only were able to slowly let go of all the different expectations and ideas that we cling so tight to we would be able to let each situation be what it is. The reality of the situation would be in our present mind instead of some dream idea of what we conceive it to be.

It has taken me nearly all of 3 weeks to know and be okay with the fact that the only time I will be physically alone is when I go to the bathroom. I had to let go. I now see this is a very simple example but I think the idea can be applied to the smallest and largest aspects of our lives.

We have to be able to adjust, to evolve our minds to whatever phyiscal or mental situation we are in. Only when we do this are we able to experience the truth and meaning of what we are presently involved in and understand and learn from it.

Thanks for the hard times, seriously.

Like most people, I tend to avoid things that will obviously be difficult or strenuous. I think thats simple human nature. There is no need to throw ourselves into situations that will be hard on our spirit if they are at all avoidable.

But then there's how Life works. And Life sometimes just throws you into a difficult or hard situation and you never saw it coming.

How do you repsond to this? How do you react?

Life has thrown me into a difficult situation here in India and I find myself and my spirit being attacked on a daily basis. I have a strong spirit but I definitely feel like I am treading water here, bearly staying afloat.

I used to get frustrated and angry and yell at God, "What is the point of this? It's so stupid. It's useless."

But I now realize that everytime we are thrown into a difficult situation there is a very specific reason we are there. Most the time we dont know what that reason is until long after the actual situation is over. When I moved to San Francisco, I felt horribly alone for nearly 6 months. I had met people and had friends but still struggled with this unexplainable weight of anxiety due to loneliness. It was terrible and I would never wish that on anybody. But about the time that this feeling began to move away from me, I started to plan this trip: A world tour for nearly 2 years - Alone.

You can see this anyway you want, but I know that what I experienced in San Francisco was necessary for me to endure in order to make it through and thoroughly enjoy this journey.

You know that old quote, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"? It means alot more when you look at it through the lense of your own life.

Where I am right now isn't really my ideal situation, but I know I am being broken or prepared for something else, something bigger and more important. And when I can look at it this way I grow thankful in my heart that I am here. Now. And when I look back in a month or a year at my experience here I can laugh at how instrumental it was in some other aspect of my life.

My Anniversary

It has been a year since I jumped on my first flight from LAX to Peru. Since then I have traversed 4 continents, traveled through 10 countries, and have taken part in 6 volunteer projects.

Its been quite a year.

Though my calender says its been 12 months since I left, I dont feel like I have been gone that long. Each new place seems to consume me and my time there is over before I know it. Its not until I sit and read through my journal or go through the posts from last March that I am aware of the time that has passed.

I am beyond grateful for being able to do what I am doing. This is my dream. I remember sitting in my office in San Francisco, fed up with work and life in general, and thinking to myself that it would be amazing to just leave all this behind and go. See the world. Do something different for a change.

And now here I am, a year later with another 10 months to go.

Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me in this journey/pilgrimage/trip in any way. Thank to all my family and friends for constantly writing and making me feel as if you are just a phone call away. I will be forever in your debt.

Here's to another year of living, learning, and feeling.

Honda Dealers and Sidewalk Slums

It hadn't been but 5 minutes after I left the airport in Chennai, India that we drove by a Honda dealership on one side if the road and on the other there was a slum lining the sidewalk.

So many of my friends who have been to India kept telling me that there is virtually no line seperating poverty and wealth in India. They said that povery and wealth were not found on opposite sides of town, but existing hand in hand all over. I don't think I really understood the magnitude of what they were saying until I drove down that street.

There is an overwhelming feeling of helplessness when you see this type of reality for the first time. I have been all over the world but none of my travels have really prepared me for the degree of poverty here in India. It's unavoidable and unescapeable.

It has continued to amaze me that where you are born basically can decide whether you eat or go hungry, whether you are housed or homeless. And in many cases, whether you live or whether you die. How has this become possible? Where did things go so wrong?

I wish I had some great wisdom to end this with but really this is just me thinking out loud, trying to work through the intracicies of our existence.

I think that life will continue to throw these types of things at me. Situations that have no acceptable explanation. And all that lingers in my mind after stuggling with this day and night is that I have to do something about it. I have to begin to live for something more than myself.