When I was younger I was in a metal band called Falling Cycle. Now when people ask me about it I always say "crazy" metal band for some reason.
As we grew and grew and wrote more music one song always remained the crowd pleaser and set closer. It was called Heart Turns Black. The lyrics went like this:
I watched your heart turn black
and the pieces of your life are on the ground
Your withered sun
will not come up tomorrow
The beauty of your life is cracking
and every word you say is another spike in his hand
You will never know how much you mean to Him
I wrote those lyrics when I was 19, I think. And if I am honest I have no idea who or what they were about. I probably just wrote them because they sounded cool at the time and then attached a meaning to them so they were no longer empty words.
Now, at 25, I find that those words mean much more than what they did when I wrote them. Its as if they were meant to be a letter post-dated and sent to me now.
I cant feel anything. Its as if my heart has literally turned black. Its not that I dont want to feel, I just cant. Im not miserable but I would rather be miserable and feel it than completely desensitized. Babies die and I cant mourn the loss. I cant even work up a tear in my eye. Its makes me "feel" as if I am just a body without a heart that continues to function. And I am just sitting by watching it, wishing I could pick up the pieces.
The lyrics say, "The beauty of your life is cracking."
A much smarter Ernest Hemingway said, "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at the broken places."
I assume/hope that is what God is doing right now. Breaking me. And really I asked for it. I need it. Its just hard to sit back, seemingly complacent, with a "black heart" waiting and praying for something to change.
If I have learned anything on this journey it is that God is faithful and uses every situation for something. It would be be igonrant for me to believe anything other than that now.
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3 comments:
Im overjoyed to have your words back...
and have missed them dearly ever since I left Nepal.
I NEEDED these thoughts today.
I have been overwhelmed with tears today.
Feeling helpless, defeated, and hopeless.
Sometimes I wonder how these wisdoms and truths can escape me when I am at my worst, and that makes me feel even more defeated.
I cant say I have felt quite the same as you lately, in fact, I would say I am more on the "miserable" side of things right now. I feel like I am so far from not only where God wants me in life, but so far from a life and lifestyle that will make me happy here on this earth. The ever hard to follow way of things here in the richest part of america are daily draining me. The idea of a job I dont like or dont believe in just to get by and afford to live in this fast paced, work-work environment is so defeating. I WILL not accept that monotony, but where do I draw the line? I must DO something, but dont know what. I long for balance in my life, but do nothing to contribute towards it.
Thank YOU for reminding me in Christ's wisdom that...sometimes we must "sit back" and allow God to use this hammering process to mold us into believers who not only follow the way of Christ, but who are living in peace and happiness because they were shown how to actually touch that in such a dark and cruel world. I dont wanna just know about it, I wanna live it.
We must be shepherds before we work as crystal merchants. We must be crystal merchants before we become alchemists. We must be lost before we can be found.
And sometimes, even when I think I was found...it's good to find myself lost again so that God can unveil things that are still missing for me.
I love you brother.
and I miss the hell out of you.
Grace & Peace,
Russ
I'm a little late, but this rules.
I was thinking the other day (not pridefully at all) how far ahead of ourselves we were. The post-dated letter analogy is perfect.
Hey, I know the brokeness will come or already did. Lamentations 3.
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