The Lepor's hand

I have been having a very difficult time trying to explain my current state of mind concerning my faith in God. For some reason, until yesterday words seems to do no justice to how I have been feeling.

But yesterday I remembered watching a movie in Mongolia after a nice day's work of laying bricks called The Kingdom Of Heaven. The movie was alright. It kinda dragged on a bit but was entertaining. I don't remember the exact scene or even the story line for that matter but I do remember a scene when the mother of the soon-to-be King (then a child) realized that he had leprosy and in that moment she realized that because of this he could not reign as King.

That scene paints a very real picture of the way I have been experiencing my faith for nearly 6 months:

The mother can see the hand and feel the hand, it exists and is very real. There is no way to deny that. But when she touches the hand with a hot needle, the boy cannot feel a thing. He does not move or flinch.

In the same way that the mother can see and feel the hand, I know my faith is real and that the God I worship exists. There is no way to deny that. But as of recent, I feel much more like the boy. With his eyes he can see his hand and with an outside object he can touch it, but inside him at the tips of his fingers, he does not feel a thing. Much similarly, in the bottom of my heart I do not feel my faith. When the hot needle of my faith touches the fingers of my heart, I do not move and I do not flinch.

This is a very foreign thing to me and I know that these things pass, only making one's faith stronger and more real. Its just so odd to be surrounded by the least of the least day in and day out, the true face of God, but still not feel a sense of God in my heart.

As I have written before, a distance in feeling does not always mean a distance in faith and I believe that God is walking next to me and carrying me when I am weak.

I only write this now because I feel it is important to express how we feel with honesty and it wasn't until yesterday that this was possible.

Thank you to all for your amazing support!