Attitude

I have consistently gone through these periods of time since I have been gone that are plagued with an unwarranted "attitude" toward life and the way things work out for different people, even if those people arent anger about it themselves.

The attitude is sometimes characterized by anger, sometimes pride, or experience. And in the worst of these times it is a combination of all these things. Its as if I am saying to God or whoever, "Well...what do you have to say about this?" And then I arrogantly wait for some answer.

I think that if you look through my blog you can probably see in my writing when I am going through one of these times or when I have just came out of it. Not to say that what I write at those times is insignificant or irrelevant, but you can definitely see an attitude in the way I word things. I have been trying to figure out why my heart seems to fall into these "dark" valleys of pessimism and sarcasm and I cant seem to see it coming or dont recognize it until the time is over.

I am beginning to think that it is a way of trying to avoid experiencing the negative emotions that come with the type of things I am doing. I think for me it is easier to get angry and point fingers and ask questions that dont have good answers so I can feel prideful than to just cry and experience the pain that certain experiences bring with them. Its quite childish now that I see it written out, but I think it might be true for many of us.

What I do know is that when I let this happen my spirit is "loud" and uneasy. My thoughts are all incomplete and my words are weightless. Everything that comes from my body and being is inconsistent and arrogrant. And its in these times that I feel I have so much to prove to everyone. That what I "know" is what everyone needs to "learn." My "voice" needs to be heard, I arrogantly think to myself.

Its not until these times have passed and my spirit is humble and at rest that I realize what I have just let myself become. Its like night and day. And when I am "restored" my humbled spirit all I want to do is listen to people and understand them. My "attitude" of sorts is completely reversed. Its at this point I realize that my "voice" is but a faint whisper and can easily be blown away with the wind.

I pray that I will be able to set my pride down for just a minute when I see myself falling into this "attitude" and ask the people around me to remind of how much I am not.