Sabbatical

Recently, I was thinking about not writing on this anymore.

I had/have a very strong conviction that our current culture promotes a very "I" life style, as if our lives are a Broadway show to be played out in front of an audience. I know for many people this is not the case, but I have constantly fell into this. And when that happens I lose something sacred about myself, about being alive.

This blog has become that to me. It has become a show, something for people to look at and clap at, to disagree with, to applaud, to compliment.

I have made a promise to myself that when I realize I am putting my life on show, I will immediately get off the stage, or more accurately, close the curtains. I know there are probably only 5 people who read this thing, but I guess thats besides the point. A promise is a promise.

So instead of ending this blog, I am just going to take a break. A summer vacation. I think they call it a sabbatical.

See you in September.

Back in Red(with yellow stars)

I have successfully made it back to China.

A few months ago when I tried to get a visa in Delhi, I was told that all the Chinese embassys were only giving out 1 month tourist visas until after the Olympics. This definitely stood in the way of my plan, considering I was hoping to stay until December.

After a lot of thought, prayer, ranting to Russ, and stretching my patience to its limit, I decided to send my passport back to Texas to an agency who said they could "probably" process a 1 year visa. So I Fedexed it from Kathmandu.

And waited.

And then waited some more.

Waiting sucks. There's no more elegant way to put it.

So I waited. I ate..a lot. Read a few books. Worried. Listened to music. Worried some more. Used the internet. Broke down. Prepared my heart for the worst. And kept waiting.

God must have a sense of humor because we are in situations where we have to wait for something our entire life. I heard someone say once that when we pray it doesn't change God, it changes us. I think that might be part of waiting. We can pray and pray to God that God gives us what we want, what we are waiting for, and when we get it our hearts are thankful but not changed. But when we begin to pray and ask God to do as God pleases with the situation, and ask God to prepare out hearts for whatever the outcome, whether or not we get what we are waiting for, we are changed by it.

I know that God used this situation to change my heart.

And in the end, like I said, I am back in China. I received a 1 year multiple entry visa which is unheard of right now. And I am thankful for it. I am thankful that God is faithful, not to what I want or think I need, but to what God knows I need.

Hot News and Cold Coffee

I read a book back when I was in China by the Dalai Lama. I don't remember the exact quote but in a response to a question about anger, he said something along the lines that anger is almost always a destructive thing unless it leads to a sense of urgency and action.

That said...

I decided a few months ago that I was going to make a conscious effort to stay up to date on what was going on in the world. It seemed logical considering I have been traveling around it for the last year. Up until recently, I just wasn't interested. I had no idea about anything besides what I picked up from random conversations. Other than the elections back at home, I was basically oblivious to what was going on in the world that I had been living in. I'm embarrassed to say it but its true.

So with this change of heart, I set out to take in as much as a could. I bought every weekly magazines and daily newspaper I could. Then I would sit down over a cup of coffee and read. Id finish a cup, make another one, and read some more. It was almost romantic. Hot news and cold coffee.

I was hoping to just read objectively and just take in what I was reading without a bias. I hadn't set out to form an opinion but after a few weeks I was beginning to have an opinion on everything. Things I didn't even know were going on the week before, I had something to say about it. And to be honest, I didn't like it. I liked knowing what was going on in the world, but I didn't like having an opinion.

Here's why:

I think that opinions can be applied to the statement the Dalai Lama made about anger - opinions are almost always a destructive thing unless they lead to a sense of urgency and action.

I don't say that as an excuse to be oblivious about what is going on in the world, or to any other thing or subject you can take an opinion. The only other thing worse than a stagnant opinion is oblivion.

But what good does having an opinion on anything do unless it leads to some type of action? Having a well rounded opinion on something can be extremely dangerous because it can provide the illusion that we are connected to the subject of our opinion without doing anything about it.

Take for example politics. I have sat at many a conversations where people can argue about their politcal opinion all night until the sun comes up. But when the sun comes up, they dont do anything about it. Their opinion never takes an action. All it is is a tool to manipulate and dominate a conversation.

Or maybe religion, dare I say Christianity? Every Christian has an opinion on what it is to live as a Christ follower. And many can have in-depth conversations about theology and their opinion on a certain interpretation of this or that verse. But rarely do our opinions ever turn to action. The message of Christianity is simple. If Christians actually lived based of their opinions and conviction, the world would be a much different place.

I don't write this from a high and mighty platform. I am writing it because I am guilty of it. If I lived based on my opinions of things, my life would be radically different. I would be doing more with what I have been given. But its hard.

Its easy to have an opinion, but the challenge is actually to let your opinion change who you are and how you act. If having an opinion on something doesn't actually lead to action, I would question our motive for having an opinion in the first place.

(this is long and probably doesn't make much sense, back to the news and coffee)

Brick by Brick

This probably won't make much sense, but lately I have had the overwhelming feeling of feeling nothing. Which I guess is a contradiction, so maybe I should say the "experience" of feeling nothing.

Nothing at all.

When I was younger I had several very dark battles against depression. A wave of depression, an unexplainable darkness, would decend over my life like rain clouds do on a stormy day. Not for any particular reason. Just some type of chemical reaction the doctor said, not triggered by any specific event.

And just like that everything would change. All the things that worried me before the depression arrived disappeared the instant those dark clouds arrived.

What do they think of me? What should I wear on friday night? Does she like me? What should I do when I graduate? How much money will I make? Does he know what I said about him?

None of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was making it through the day. Because the feeling that came over me during those times was so heavy that it was impossible to look past it. It was very present, very dark, and very unforgiving.

But it was real. Very, very real. The tears I cried were real. The pain I felt was real. I could not hide from it.

I hope this doesnt sound twisted, but sometimes I find myself missing those days. Those dark days when the only thing I could do was feel. Those day were painful, but so honest. So real.

I would never wish that type of stuggle and pain on anyone, but now I find that I can very easily hind away my frustration and pains. And instead of feeling them and breaking down, I just let them bounce off my shoulder and continue on my merry way. And instead of being honest with my heart I convince it that everything is fine.

How could I come so far from that? I always told myself after those episodes ended that I would always allow my heart to feel what it was experiencing, good or bad, pain of happiness. But it seems that some how, over time, I have let go of that.

I cant remember the last time I broke down.

I have been asking God to break down the walls I have built around my heart. To let me feel again. Sometimes I wish God drove a bulldozer and would just knock down the walls with one great hit. But thats not usually how God works. I have a feeling that I am going to have to disassemble the walls I built, brick by brick. And with each brick I take off there will be that much less between what my heart experiences and what my heart feels.

Whether that be dark clouds or sunny skys, I am not so much concerned.

Its Been Awhile

Lately for some reason, I have felt as if I have lost my imagination. As if I can only think about moment to moment tasks and go through the motions of existing.

I dont know the exact reason, but I think it has alot to do with who I am being stetched to the limits: My patience. My frustration. My endurance. My relationship with God.

Its hard to let your mind go when you are using all you have to make it through the day or moment. Its as if I have nothing left in me to give to my imagination right now. I feel tapped out in a way.

This has been sitting very heavy with me for a few days. But now that I sit and write it down and think about it a bit, I realize its not such a terrible thing. Sometimes life requires us to use all we have to get through the day or situation or moment. And thats ok.

My entire life I have had this feeling that if I wasnt "producing" something I was wasting my time. Producing thoughts, ideas, relationships, income, and so on and so on. But I see now that though this way of thought can be a very useful tool it also can be very damaging.

It has an agenda. Instead of walking into a situation openly this way of thought is saying, "What can I get come this? What can I take away from it? There's something to gain here, something to learn, what is it?" And I do believe that every situation and moment in my life holds some sort of wisdom, small or big, that I can take from it. But when I enter a situation looking for this wisdom, sometimes I walk right past it and just find what I think I should learn instead of what I need to learn. I look past the situation at how I can use what I learn in the future instead of just living in it.

And I see now that maybe knowing I can make it through situations that stretch me to my limits is a wisdom in itself. Knowing I can endure. I have to tell myself over and over that its okay to have times when I am just existing. When I am just making it through the day. That is what makes me human.

And thats okay.

Tension...

There seems to be something in our human nature that pushes us to stay out of situations, conversations, beliefs, and relationships that put us in an environment of tension.

We always want things to be black and white. One side or the other. We want things to be spelled out for us, written in stone so that we can always look back on things and let them tell us who we are.

Why? I think the obvious answer is that we want to be comfortable. When things are black and white we can stop thinking about them and struggling with them. We can sit in our chair drinking coffee and reading the paper knowing that nothing is going to rock our world becuase we have already figured it all out. We neatly package every situation, conversation, set of beliefs, and relationship and then stamp a label on the top that either says black or white, good or bad.

Where does that leave us...?

Comfortable but not learning. Safe but not imagining. And in most cases if we are honest, bored.

But we still continue to do this day in and day out. Never letting new ideas infultrate us and have a chance to influence us, not to mention, God forbid, they change us.

Why?

Because living in the middle, in the grey, in the tension, is uncomfortable. We never feel like we can put our foot down on something. There never seems to be level ground below our ideas and beliefs when you are in the tension.

I have been learning more and more everyday I am on this journey that though living in the tension of life is uncomfortable, it holds the essence of what it means to live, learn, and imagine.

Take a rubberband for instance( I hope this isnt to cheesy). When a rubberband is not being used it is basically worthless. A rubberband sitting on a table can be used for nothing. But when we stretch the rubberband, when we apply tension, we can use the rubber band for numerous useful and helpful things. But, we have to also realize that if we stretch a rubberband to far, we apply to much tension, it will snap and again be useless.

It is only when the rubberband is in the middle of the tension, not stretched to far but stretched enough to apply pressure, that it can actually be useful and do what it was made to do.

I believe that when we allow ourselves to live without tension we are just like an unstretched rubberband on a table. We are not being used for what we were made to do. We are not allowing ourselves to think the way we were made to, to be creative, frustrated, loving, irritated, amazed...I could go on forever.

I know for myself that my most amazing and creative ideas, work, and thoughts are concieved in times when I experience great tension in my life and in my heart. When I am being stretched, twisted, and confronted with the things around me. There are the few, but inspirational, times in my life when instead of running to my coffee and newpaper, I let the tension become a part of me and let it change me and influence me.

I hope and pray that as friends and family we encourage each other to step outside of comfort and black and white and step into the tensions of life, allowing it to influence us and change us. Allowing us to become more understanding and passionate, more kindhearted and humble.

On the Go

Russ (my good friend from California) and I have been "on the go" now for about 2 weeks. We have traveled from one coast of India to the other and will be heading north in a day.

Contrary to popular belief traveling like this can be a boat load of work!:

Booking bus tickets becuase the train is sold out, then finding out a state border is closed due to fighting. Rebooking the bus tickets. Arriving in a new city at 11pm and trying to find a hotel that is open, not to mention one that is clean. Knowing how much money you have but also what you want to do and trying to reconcile the two in your head. Trying to plan an itenerary but all the while knowing that whatever you plan will never actually play out that way and trying to keep a calm and good spirited mind about it all.

I wont even bring up the fact that we are India, one of the most interesting, hard to understand countries I have been to on my journey!

But you know, with all that said, the actual hard part about traveling like this is trying to say focused on your daily struggles and thoughts and not getting consumed with the bigger picture of traveling and inteneraries. Its easy to stop caring about people and treating them will love when you are stressed out about how you are going to make it to the next city.

Its easy to forget about the little things that make us human: smiling or laughing with a stranger, complimenting someone, saying thank you and meaning it at the smallest of gestures.

I dont think that this concept is tied to traveling around India.

It happens to us all. Everyday. Whoever we are. Wherever we are:

I have to drop the kids at school today, but Timmy has to be there early because of band practice. Dont forget to pack their lunches. Is Barbara picking them up today? The car needs and oil change but I cant do it until Sunday. I really hope that Bob come through with his side of the deal this time. I cant keep picking up his slack.

And in the meantime you forgt to kiss your wife goodbye and tell your kids you love them and mean it. Or smile at the old lady crossing the street.

Its the same in India as it is in California. Its the same or a 25 year old vagabond kid and a 50 year old business man:

Life is busy and stressful and overwhelming and makes it easy to forget that there is alot more to life than just living.

I think that wherever and whoever we are, at some point in our day we need to be able to say to ourselves, "This is it. This is living." Whether is comes from smiling at a stranger, kissing your wife or girlfriend, or playing soccer with a couple of random kids, it doesnt matter.

Just by doing this we are acknowledging that we ARE alive outside the noise and struggles and stresses of our lives.

This is it. This is living.